Resolutions-Success, no Shame

Many of us have done this: We make an ambitious resolution for January the 1st. We are motivated. Excited. Fully intending to follow through on this fresh start date.

And then, according to several studies, by about January the 20th many have left the resolution behind. Then comes the shame. The sense of failure that accompanies the resolution that didn't make it.

So, how do we do resolutions that work? How do we make a success of our best intentions?

First, you don’t have to do this on January the 1st. Society pushes us to do so but is it really the only time you can declare a fresh start? Absolutely not. How about a birthday? An anniversary? Or another holiday? There is no reason to fall in with the crowd, here. You can start fresh any time during the year.

When you do get ready to declare a resolution, develop a plan. No, really. A solid, detailed plan. Going to exercise more? When? What days and times? For how long? Going to improve your organization skills? Where do you start? Going to finally do that big thing you have always wanted to do? Draw out the steps you need to take to be successful! Don’t forget to identify the potential obstacles to success…birthday party with your favorite homemade cake? What will you do? Fair weather walker and a blizzard is coming? What then?

You may have one large overarching goal that you would like to meet. But science says that can feel overwhelming. Break it down into smaller chunks! What smaller goals will help you to get to the bigger goal? If we set small goals, they feel more manageable. And they are easier to achieve. In addition, each time we achieve one of these small goals, we are adding to the evidence that we can be successful and that increases the likelihood that the next small goal will be met!

Now, try to imagine how you will feel on that treadmill while sitting comfortably on the couch. Or imagine feeling hungry when your belly is full. It’s not easy, is it? Science calls this the empathy gap. Don’t make your plan in a state that does not resemble what you will experience in the throes of your efforts to achieve your goals! If you plan to exercise more, make your plan while you are sweaty and a bit winded. You are more likely to be realistic with your goal. Want to change the amount you eat? Plan while you are still hungry. You get the idea. (I do not recommend dieting—restricting your eating can lead to disordered eating and how often has a diet worked for you long term? Instead, learn to listen to your body’s signals through intuitive eating and stop the constant thoughts about tracking and missing out. You can find the book, here).

Whatever your resolution is, plan to pair it with something that you love to do. Listen to a podcast you have always wanted to try while exercising. Take a healthy cooking class with a friend. Exercise while watching a favorite show. Pairing a new habit with something fun increases the likelihood that you want to follow through.

As humans, we often compare ourselves to those around us. Too often, we do so in a way that is unkind to ourselves. Stop. The only person you should compete with is yourself as you were yesterday. When we look outward for comparison, we tend to make assumptions that are not based in reality. The moral of the story is that you don't know what their challenges are. They may even be looking at you and wishing they had what you do. So, make your plans based on what you want from your life without worrying about what anyone else is doing. Besides, all that self-doubt and envy take a lot of energy that can be used elsewhere!

Finally, and this is the most important…recognize your humanity. Mistakes happen. We give in to big temptations. All too often this leads to us feeling shame and deciding we can’t achieve the goal. But this is not an accurate analysis! Most changes in habit take more than one try. If your inner narrator is giving you a hard time, look at what you did and find the successes. Challenge that bitchy narrator with facts like “I tried”, “it was one mistake, and I can keep trying”. The road to self-improvement is not linear! The journey involves steps forward and steps back. The key to success is having empathy for yourself, forgiving the slip, and taking that next step on the road.

SAMHSA Blog (December, 2023). New Year’s Resolutions: Building Good Mental Health Habits. https://www.samhsa.gov/blog/new-years-resolution-building-good-mental-health-habits