Time for that festive holiday...ummm, anxiety?

For many people, holidays bring thoughts of joy, warmth, and time with family and loved ones. But there are a significant number of folks who feel, instead, anxiety and dread as the season approaches. And for those with preexisting mental health concerns, the holidays magnify their symptoms. Add to this the loss of sunlight during winter and, for some, you have a recipe for unhappiness and isolation. But why? Why do so many, with or without mental illness, feel anxious during the winter holidays?

Perfectionism and High Expectations

Mom and Dad expect dinner. The kids expect cool presents. Everyone wants the perfect tree, the perfect holiday lights, the perfect turkey dinner, the perfectly clean house. You get the picture, right? But who can honestly pull all of that off? Too often, women take on much of the holiday planning and preparation leading them feeling the bulk of the resulting stress. Anxiety, exhaustion, and fatigue are not conducive to holiday glee.

Family Issues and Conflict

Speaking of expectations. We all want nothing more than to have peace around the holiday meal table. But every family has someone (or two or three someone’s) that finds that difficult. They want to rehash the argument from 10 years ago about who was supposed to do the dishes or about which political party is the most likely to cause the apocalypse. Maybe the kids must go to an ex-spouse, or you must see the in-laws and they aren’t your favorite. Perhaps the anniversary of the death of a loved one falls near the holiday leaving grief overwhelming your joy. All these things generate feelings of loneliness even in a room full of those we love.

Let Go of the Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism: Many times, our perfectionism and high expectations come from comparing our current situation with some past circumstance we want to recreate. Maybe your grandmother always had the perfect holiday meal and the most gorgeous tree. Perhaps your childhood holiday was spent with a large family, and you feel a loss when your current family meeting is smaller. Whatever the comparison, trying to make the same thing happen will lead more to frustration and feelings of inadequacy. This will only diminish any joy or warmth you could experience. Examine what you have now. Have you created your own holiday traditions? Identify the things in your holidays that give you joy and make you grateful.

Family conflict: We all dream of that warm, loving Hallmark® family get-together. No tension. No arguments. No discontent. Be honest with yourself. Is that realistic? That only happens in those sappy holiday movies. You cannot change anyone or control their behavior, right? However, you can absolutely control your expectations and your response. After all, the family member you are feeling upset with certainly feels your frustration and anger causing them to act out more. Try some of the following to cope with that difficulty family member:

· Find a sense of calm. Try taking some slow deep breaths or other action that has worked to calm you in the past. The goal is to prevent your fight or flight response from being in charge. Keeping the peace while you’re feeling stressed can prove extremely difficult.

· Practice radical acceptance. This is a tough one but very powerful. Recognize that they are who they are, and you cannot change it. The tension you feel in engaging with them comes from that fantasy about how they “should” be. Accepting them without judgement eliminates that tension. You might consider looking at them with kindness and compassion, even. You never know what causes someone to act the way they do. And everyone has struggles that make them feel “off” (even if it seems eternally so).

· Refuse to take the bait. Let’s face it. Our families know where our buttons are and just exactly how to push them. Consider, though, that this behavior stems from a desire for attention and the need to feel connected. Sometimes, given them something to do and a reason why it would be helpful is enough to derail the button pushing. Likewise, refuse to take argue. You don’t need to agree with everyone. But choose to listen to understand rather than to create a counter argument. This tends to deflate the urge to continue to pursue a topic.